


All I Wanted

by Nightwingshero



Category: Far Cry 5
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:47:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23987626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nightwingshero/pseuds/Nightwingshero
Summary: Wren Seed has news that she needs to share with her husband, and finding the courage to do so is difficult. But that's put on hold when she receives news that makes her whole world come crashing down. The balance of the scales have tipped and they're not in her favor.
Relationships: Female Deputy | Judge/John Seed
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	All I Wanted

**Author's Note:**

> I could follow you to the beginning  
> And just to relive the start  
> And maybe then we'll remember to slow down  
> At all of our favorite parts
> 
> All I Wanted - Paramore

“Do you think he’ll be happy?” I whispered, glancing up at Rowan as insecurity ate at my insides. She met me with a glowing smile as she stuffed the little booties in the gift bag with the paper.

“I know he will be. Having a miniature version of himself running around? He’s going to be ecstatic.”

I smiled, feeling reassured as I finished tying the bow around the plastic stick and setting in the bag. I was about two months, or at least, that’s what one of the doctors in the Project had said. Luckily, she still stuck with the doctor/patient confidentiality. The idea that the family was growing elated them, and I was curious if she had been more excited than I was. But that was what led us here, Rowan and I, away from her cabin in the woods with Jacob, and getting out of the ranch from John’s watchful eye.

If I was being honest, deep down I was terrified. So fucking terrified. The absolute joy the woman expressed, forced me to put a smile on my face, but I didn’t feel it. I went home, vomited up all the anxieties, fears, and trauma that went along with news like this for someone like me. Not that I was alone. No, many women have had to deal with stuff like I had, and I reminded myself of that. But to me? That defining moment _haunted_ me enough that even the bliss twisted my nightmares into reality. Something that was supposed to be uplifting, showed me just how much my heart still bled.

But this was a new beginning, the _real_ fresh start of my life, unlike what had happened when I first moved here. The blotched arrest, the constant fighting…falling in love with the enemy, and the ultimate betrayal. It was like I had free fallen into absolute chaos and it wasn’t until I realized what made me happy, that I was able to breathe.

“Wren?”

My eyes snapped back up to Rowan’s dark brown ones, a bit startled. “Hmm?”

Rowan frowned, leaning forward to squeeze my hand. “Hey, are you doing alright?”

“I’m fine! I was just deep in thought. Did you say something?”

She opened herself, but there was a sharp knock on the door, drawing both of our attention. Without waiting to be called in, Jane burst through the door. I smiled at the presence of my favorite redhead, something smart on the tip of my tongue, but I stop as her frantic eyes meet mine.

“Sister Wren, we need to leave. Now.”

Rowan glanced at me as my frown deepened. “What’s wrong? What happened?”

She swallowed, closing her eyes briefly. “The ranch. It was attacked. The alarm had been triggered.”

“When?” Rowan demanded. I couldn’t move, let alone speak, as I went cold.

“About 20-30 minutes ago—”

“ _That_ long?!” I shriek, shooting up. “How the hell am I just _now_ hearing about this?” I stormed out of the room, heading outside with both women on my heel.

“I just found out—”

I yanked open the driver side door and climbed in. Jane looked at me in shock, but I didn’t care. I didn’t need my Chosen driving me around, I only relented sometimes for John’s sake. I didn’t trust Jane to throw caution to the wind. I glared at her through the window. “Get in the fucking car.”

She pursed her lips before climbing into the passenger side, Rowan climbing in the back. I didn’t think about seatbelts, I had barely given Rowan enough time to close the door. Gravel flies as I slaw on the gas, Jane looking at me like a crazed woman, and in this moment, I was.

“John is still at the bunker, right? Has he been informed?” I asked. “Fuck, Randy is at the house. Was he the one that called? I hope he’s okay.” Jane hesitated, not saying a word. I looked at her, but the second our eyes met, she looked away. “Is he at the bunker, Jane?” I breathed out, panic rising in my chest from her silence.

“Wren—”

“Damn it, Jane, where the hell is my husband?” I snapped. “He went to the bunker like he had planned, right? He told me this morning that that’s what—”

“He never left.” She whispered, but it was as if she screamed it straight in my ear, a ring beginning to sound. “He stayed home, he wanted to make sure he was home so he would have time to surprise you with a date night. He…he insisted that he wouldn’t beat you home from the bunker.”

The sound that escapes my throat is strangled as I grip the steering wheel tighter, my foot pressing down a little more. Rowan clutches my shoulder. “John is surrounded by Chosen all the time, there are guards stationed at your home 24/7, Wren. I’m sure he’s fine.”

I tried the best I could, but I began to panic, on the verge of hyperventilating as my mind ran wild with the possibilities. Finally, I turned on our drive with Jane insisting I slowed down. I paid her no mind as I left a trail of dust behind us. My heart sank as we passed the YES sign, bullet holes and blood stains tainting the white paint. Jane squeezed the door handle as we came around the corner, slamming on the brakes and coming to a skid.

Jumping out, the breath escaped from my lungs completely. Blood, bodies, and chaos covered the lawn of my very home. I staggered, my hand over my mouth as I saw faces of my own loyal followers and people I had once helped, lifeless. A few more of our people milled around, trying to do what they could to clean up the devastation, but their faces were grim, heartbroken and mournful for the family members they had lost. I looked crazed as some newer members spoke to our Chosen, shaken and a bit hysterical, as they eyed me.

“Is that--”

“The Judge, his wife. You know Sister Wren, don’t you?”

“Does she know?”

There words barely register, and I rushed to the house, not caring for a second if Rowan and Jane were with me. The hairs on the back of my neck had stood on end as I ran. Randy was with John, John was safe. I repeated it tom myself over and over as I made it through the threshold. My legs push harder to get me up the stairs faster, and I stumble to a stop as I come to the top.

The door is barely open, just ajar enough for me to see the sunlight coming through. My heart hammers against my chest as I take a step forward. Normally, he would either keep it shut or decide to keep it open wide. I shouldn’t be this scared of a door, but I’m shaking. Suddenly I’m a heroine in one of those horror movies I force John to watch. We’ll both laugh at my comparison to Laurie from Halloween, and that’s the only comfort I can cling to in this moment.

“John?” I called, taking another step. “Baby, are you okay?” Nothing, but silence. My breath quickens even more. “This isn’t funny, you stubborn ass. Just please tell me you’re okay.”

I picked up the pace when I got no reply, a panicked sob choking me. “Please be okay. For the love of God, baby, be okay.” I shove the door open, looking and seeing nothing at first. But then I take it in, the messy desk, papers scattered, his laptop on the floor, and that’s when I finally find him.

I’m on my knees in seconds, my hands on his chest, as the tears pour. His eyes are closed, a tint to his cool skin that doesn’t settle well with me. He’s blue. He’s too fucking blue. “Baby, I’m here. I got you.” I cry harder when he doesn’t move. I barely notice the blood soaking through my jeans. I’m too busy shaking him. “John, wake up, I’m here. It’s okay.” I pull at his hand to place it against my face, but its cold and it won’t stay. My eyes squeeze shut as a painful wail finally escapes, all my feelings refusing to be bottled any longer.

I grab him, pulling him on my lap as I cradle his head, my lips pressed against his forehead as I cry. I rock back and forth, because I don’t know what else to do. The movement disturbed something in his other hand, drawing my attention. The frame was broken and the glass shattered, but our wedding picture was still in decent condition. My rocking increases as I sob harder. “No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!”

I squeeze him harder, willing him to open his eyes. To cough, and scoff, only to make a stupid remark that would only make me smack him on the arm. To snap at me to stop because I’m making him dizzy. But none of that comes and I hear a distant shrieking as my hand fists his hair, placing my forehead awkwardly against his. I hadn’t had the chance to tell him, he would never know that I was carrying our child. And I was alone. I would have to do this all alone, without my partner, my _anchor._ It was crushing, I could barely breathe. As the soreness in my throat builds, I realize that I had been the one shrieking. “You promised! You swore to me that you would never leave me!”

Strong arms wrapped around me, pulling me back, but I only held on to my husband tighter. I couldn’t, _wouldn’t_ , let go. But the person was stronger. And I turned as they ripped me away and swung blindly. Jacob dodged it with ease as I tried to pull away, only to slam my fists against his chest. He pulled me forward, engulfing me in a hug as I collapsed against him. “He’s gone, Jacob. He’s gone.”

“I know.” Jacob replied, his voice gruff. He didn’t say anything else, didn’t offer condolences, just stood there as I fell apart. I pulled away, glancing to see Rowan and Joseph there in the doorway, both silently crying. “Get her out of here, Ro.”

Rowan nodded, gently pulling on my arm. I followed, allowing her to pull me along. I was too numb, too out of it to protest. This wasn’t real. This didn’t feel real. I wanted nothing more than to just go back to this morning, laying in bed with him laying on top of me and snoring lightly. I would give anything to go back to two nights ago, to relive the fight we had. The way that he had slipped down the stairs to carry me up from the stairs because I was too stubborn to sleep in our room. I wanted his arms around me.

“I’ll get you some tea.” Rowan whispered as she helped me to couch. I say nothing in response, and she leaves.

I had been sitting there what felt like hours, a mug full of cold tea in my hands. I had only been sipping it here and there. They had already carried him out, plans on what to do next being thrown around. I couldn’t believe it, even as I sat covered in his blood. The sound of someone clearing their throat drew my attention to see Joseph standing next to the now lit fireplace. I couldn’t remember when that had happened.

“May I join you?” he asked softly. I just nodded aboundingly in response, still struggling with finding words. So, it’s silent for a while, until he decides to break the silence. “I’m sorry for your loss, Wren. This is hard on all of us.”

I sniffed, glancing down at my cup. “I wasn’t expecting this. I didn’t think for a second that they would attack here, because…”

“Because of you?”

I looked at him, his soft eyes meeting mine. “I still have some friends…they didn’t exactly understand, but they love me. I thought that they wouldn’t attack either of us because of me. It was so stupid, because I lived in my own world where I believed that we were untouchable because I was an ally at one point. But I was wrong. I was so wrong. And John paid the price for my pride.” My voice broke as my shoulders sagged.

“That wasn’t pride, Wren. You wanted, and wished, for a happy future for the both of you. There is nothing wrong with that.”

“I can’t do this without him, Joseph. I just can’t.” I sobbed.

He placed his hand on my shoulder. “It will hurt for a long time, I know. But you can—"

“I’m pregnant…I’m pregnant and John’s dead, Joseph. He’s gone, and I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

Joseph hesitated, a bit shocked at the reveal, but brushed it off. “He left you everything, Wren. You and the child are well taken care of. It’s in his will—”

“I don’t give a fuck about his will or his money!” I shrieked, my eyes squeezed shut as a broken sob wracked my body. I want my husband!” I began to shake, my breath quick. “Who am I without him? What am I if I don’t have him? How the hell am I supposed to do this without my other half? I can’t do this alone!”

“You are not alone.” He replied softly with passion. “I know you’re not religious, and you don’t believe in what I preach. But you hold a pivotal role in our community, an example of strong faith and leadership that people follow. This community is your family, Wren. We are your family.” Joseph whispered, his voice softly giving way to that Georgia drawl he could sometimes hide.

“False faith? I’m pretty sure that’s a sin, Joseph.” I sound hollow, a shell of myself as the words tumble out. Words that was meant to be something like a joke coming across robotically and empty. All I could do was stare at my blood covered hands numbly.

“You had faith in _John._ ” His name cuts deeply and its enough for my eyes to meet Joseph’s. Despite the fact that they were technically the same color, they were so different than John’s. A serene calm vs the playful mischief that my husband always portrayed. “The trust you had in him, the love you had _for_ him, created a loyalty that spread and touched those he was loyal to, bringing you into a family that welcomed you with open arms, that still accepts and loves you. Your faith in him was enough for that. And he…he loved you more than he loved himself.” My face contorted, fresh tears following the trails of old ones as the pain _throbbed_. “That was something John struggled with every day. He would take, because he loved himself more than he loved others. And you saw that, didn’t you? The night you first met him.”

“The Cleansing.” I replied lowly and Joseph gave a single nod.

“That’s right. And it was your fear of him not being able to love you in return, not as you did him, that drove you two apart before. My brother John was loved by few and feared by many. He wasn’t always like that. When we were young, he was full of joy, easily preyed upon. He wanted to watch the world burn. And after he met you, after this started, John would have done it all for you if he had to. Because he finally understood what I meant. He loved you more than he loved anything.”

“Except you.”

Joseph hummed, closing his eyes momentarily. “Do you have any siblings, Wren?”

I knew he already knew the answer, but I appreciated that he was giving me the courtesy and respect to offer me the chance to tell him myself. “No.”

“Well, when you have siblings, there’s this…feeling. This bond that is interwoven in your very nature to protect and love them. Jacob knows that better than all of us. But it isn’t a bond or a love you choose.” Joseph placed his hand on my shoulder and squeezed. “You are the bond, the love, he had chosen. You’re what kept him in the light. At the end, it wasn’t Eden’s Gate that gave him the redemption he longed for…it was you.”

My face contorted as my heart twisted painfully. “He didn’t always do good, but he loved me. He loved this family and his people. He learned to love, Joseph. And for this to happen to him…?”

“We can’t explain the bad that happens. Only fight it with love and faith.”

I scoff lightly, but Joseph doesn’t say anything. “How did it happen?” I whispered. “Nobody has told me.”

Joseph shifted, removing his hand as he looked down at his book. “Jacob believes it was a sniper. Someone came in, and John fought, but it was a sniper that…”

I swallowed, clenching my teeth as I glared tearfully at the flames. “Grace.” I hissed. He glanced back at me as I dug my nails into the meat of my thigh.

“What do you plan to do?”

I looked at him, the fire in my eyes burning as my mouth twisted in a sneer. “What I’m meant to do. I’m the Judge, Joseph. So that’s what I will do. I will Judge their actions accordingly. All their sins, their transgressions.”

“And then?”

“And then I will release every once of Wrath that I have left for what they’ve taken from me.” My voice is icy and dark, but I don’t care. “They will not be given forgiveness. They aren’t worthy of it. And they’re going to realize just what John’s death has cost them. And I will show no amount of mercy.”


End file.
